Diary

French Connection

 

The next chapter in the Reservoir goats ride-ography seemed a long time coming but as always before your know it, it comes up and smacks you in the face and within a blink of an eye it's all over !!

With only a quartet of the goats available for action Mr Spesh, Mr Goat, Mr Big & Mr shorts. The 15th had arrived and bike collapsing duties were held at Mr Goats tyre breeding den a-la make shift bike maintenance workshop! Goat n Spesh made lite work of bike one before Big arrived with a new wheel for Mr Goat and the biggest bike hard case you'll ever wish to see. As quick as it takes to scratch your butt Big's Patriot was boxed and ready for the off. Quick detour to Santa's grotto for some new bike clobber and it was back home for pizza & peroni. The long wait in sued as Mr shorts? as he had to platt he's well over due for a hair cut hair ! ! iron he's Homer pants and man kini midi briefs, put the rabbit to bed, feed the ducks, put he's Morris dancing kit in a hippy bag, then fiddle with he's bike, hoover the garage, paint the house, mow the lawn " you getting the picture eh " so when he arrived we bound and gagged him and packed he's bike for him phew. See you at 3am !!

Nivara Airways turned up prompt at 3.30am with to very eager young kids on board! Off we jolly well Go, a quick detour back as Mr Spesh had forgotten he's curling tongs and it was off to Julie Andrews country! Not before blighty had one more stress at us in the way of NotsoEasyjet baggage allowance the bank of Kilby taking a big hit !! to many stilettos ! mate and as for five bags Andy !! enough said. We wouldn't be making the same mistake on the way back! The Swiss have it sorted ! no cue now access baggage hit just over zealous metal detectors picking up your fillings ! !

ENDLESSRIDE - Carl " I'm really happy to see you on the inside but it's not showing " duly collected us and the adventure had begun albeit a bit grey and misty rain it was due to be a classic Reservoir Goats break. Is that mountains we can see all eagerly peering out the windows like kids outside a sweet shop, we could just make them out as the Goats rode into town. Chalet George it was, bags off, bed's selected, bikes off loaded ready for some loving the troop took a stroll into town to check it out - Fromage - Jambon and cafe au lait up'd it was time to build bikes and off road.

Reminiscent of a F1 pit crew the bikes all bar Mr Shorts bike was built and ready for the off. Carl " I'm happy to provide you with a map and I'm still happy on the inside really " picked out a route for us to check things out on Spesh on point map reading, all hands on Shorts bike, lift passes in pockets were OFF! ! !

The first stair lift for many so that was an interesting ride, but it would become the norm and a nice relaxing way to chill before hitting another decent. We still had a bit of damp afternoon ahead of us as we checked out the route and sped off skirting the edge of the mountain. Another check of the map and we were off again descending down into a small mountain top goat village, that was run by goats and had loads of human visitors. Ah where's the route gone ????? mainly over Mr's Speshes gloves, as Carl " honest i am happy on the inside " used a rub off marker for the route on a laminated map ! good call when it's wet NOT. I guess it was more luck than judgement as we hit what we thought was the trail. Wrong it was a walkers route, at times to steep to ride as it had walkers chains to aid . Things were looking bleak, and there was a sense of anxiety building would we have enough light. Mr Big was finding it hard going, spesh had an off, but everybody was in the same boat. Internal body compass advised the we were on the wrong side of the lake. Phew we made it to the road for much needed blast downhill on tarmac all the way back to Morzine. Feelings were made known to the crap map marking but it was hard to distinguish the look on Carl's face. It had started to dry up now and the clouds were breaking. Bikes washed showers had it was a stroll into town before diner. Or lovely hos test cooking up a storm, and Dangerous Dave including apron was in full effect

Meeting everybody in the Challet George was great as was the 40-50 year old mum that was strutting her stuff bending over all over the place and wearing no bra! Up setting the riders focus - Go girl

Day two:
Dangerous Dave was in for a treat as he had the pleasure of taking out the goat squad, So we hit the same start trials as yesterday, but was were going over the top today in Swiss cheese land. By that time and due to the sheer altitude Mr Big was huffin and a puffin and feeling the lack of oxygen to the muscles. So dangerous gave him a short cut back to Morzine.We had a sneak at the Swiss National DH looked interesting as it started above the cloud line!!!! Still the next decent down to the refuge was hot hitting 40mph ! yes on film...... Now this refuge, was interesting, no wounder Dangerous Dave rides this route. The waitress was fit as you she'd give our dog a bone!! so the big debate was she or wasn't she old enough for DD to have he's wicked way ? a show of hands agreed that due to relaxed EU law's if she was a 10 on shaaaaaaaWing factor then she was worth nailing! Dave please proceed. Spesh, Goat Shorts and Dangerous relaxed and sipped on coffee before it was time to hit the GR5 rocks a plenty and more single track lines than clappham junction. The day just got better and better as Dangerous Dave took us on a magical adventure down some corking stuff, hitting some tasty north shore !! didn't see that coming ! Took in a bike park were they had a foam filled pit to practice jumping into, it was fun to see the kiddies practicing! the next generation of loonies.......... You couldn't ask for a better day, the sun was doing it's best to dodge the small amount of clouds the riding was exceptional, Dave was a hoot and on our level and to boot road dead smooth jammy bugger. So the day was drawing to a close ride wise just time for Shorts, Goat, Spesh and Dangerous to hit one last decent, it started around the Swiss super highway area and had some wicked root sections before spitting you out on to wide open switch back section hhhhhhmmmmmmmm this is going to have to be ridden again for sure. It spits you with forearm ache and steaming breaks half way between Montriond and Morzine. Four Cheshire grinning cats road into town after the day's play to the welcome of Mr Big and can's of cold beer. Helen had cooked up a storm once more and Dangerous once again played comis chef, just think he likes wearing aprons high heels and make up ???? each unto there own eh !!!! The day's toils, fun and spill's all debated over the diner table as the wine flowed. Everybody pitched up in the lounge for a cuppa the day really takes it's toll even the old fit bird with no bra on again couldn't hold the attention of all the troops as one by one they all turned in Mr Spesh putting in a good show with Bra-less but wasn't gonna get a hand job off her alas "she didn't ride Cove's " HA that got ya - he turned in.

Day Three:
Living up in the loft was fun albeit the shower being pants, the early morning ablution's not being very pleasant in such clean air more so after Short's had felt the push ! must be a south African metabolism thing ?? Bike's up and loved, quick nip down to the supermarket to get our 6 euro packed lunch map in the bag we where off. Dave giving it a miss today as he had to hoover and Iron dresses looked glum as the posse road out of town. Big forgetting he's lift pass caused a small delay in proceedings. Today was the Swiss National Down Hill course for all of us! ! Two chair lifts later starting at 1700 mtrs above see level we had stacked on top of that another 2500ish so as you can see pretty high. again above the cloud line as we all massed at the start to the decent. Many road past and remarked blimey that looks steep and scary......................... Brilliant lets do it, even if it's gonna be a blind first run. Spesh off, Goat away followed by Shorts and Big. OMG ! ooh My God this was steep, with catch fencing all over the place, table tops jumps, rocks big F-off berms to keep you on the mountain! Fore arms screaming and break to spesh pulled up at a god vantage point to film the others coming down out of the clouds. Down came Goat hitting the double step drops with ease and carried on to get another good picture vantage point. Next up Mr shorts who was looking good headed towards the double step jumps hit the first but came up short on the second with the front angled to the left it hit the second step and pitched him forward like a rag doll - the WWF windmill slam was next as he slammed into the trail with an almighty thud followed by escaping wind from both ends and ears !! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggghhhhhh ooooooooooooof !
Oh F*ck Spesh thought as he rushed over to save Shorts bike he ( priority's first ), he he he with that out of the way, was shorts Ok ??? groaning well, he must be alright, we had to move him off the track, sat him up and then got him to he's feet looking rather worse for wear. As were he's nectarine's that were pulverised through the mesh of he's camelbak, to witch Mr spesh wet he's pants laughing " don't ask something tickled me " We watched Mr Big come in at he's own pace, but fair play the big fellow excelled once more for giving it a go hat's off to you boy! The day was over for Shorts as we made our way down to Les Crosets. Shorts ate what was left of he's lunch as we all had a break and laugh over the smoothie maker Shorts. Big was going to escort Shorts back to home base so we said our goodbye's and Goat and Shorts continued the voyage. Back up to the start of the Swiss National for the decent down to the refuge low and behold her sister was in today! also looking mighty fine with no debates over whether she was legal. Goat and Spesh then proceeded down the GR5 eating up guy's on down hill rig's for fun !! aren't you suposed to being going faster ?? The big open fire road decent was a blast as many more full body armour shod dude's on DH rig's were blasted into our dust as the magnets were on Goat hitting the jump with style and a flick, but Spesh got him on the tight left hand corner before it was all over with big silly grin's !! and puzzled looking Down Hillers. Back up to the start of the Swiss super Highway it was time to run the decent Dangerous had taken us down the day before, This time it was quicker so much so we went up and did it again to the cheers of Alez alez alez as we both flew past a group of walkers cracking some 35mph at times what a hoot. Alas the chair lift was closed so we could not do another run.We rolled down the road to meet all the vast array of riders for one of those " Mutley" beers boy they were Dastardly ! ! ! get it ? get it ? some nice chicks there also, Dangerous pitched up, along with Big and Shorts at 8% proof it's a bit of a mind bender. Ok the news from the guys was Andy was buckled Apparently Carl " I'm really happy on the inside " was less than helpful regarding shorts plight until Mr Big sounded him out in a not impressed tone! Shorts was hurting and I looked like he was out of action for the last day. Once we had located the BBQ it was mighty fine tucker once more, and the gang tonight decided to hit the town for a beer, that lasted for one round and everybody came home as we were all shattered. So far the film footage was a bit ropey and not quiet in line so some minor adjustments had to be made for our last day's hoot.

Day four: Alas the sad day had arrived in more ways than one! Mr Shorts badly crocked from yesterdays stack, Mr Big feeling the rigors of two high altitude rides still a top class effort in any body's books, Having to pack up our steeds and say goodbye to a truly awesome place. On the plus side breakfast was next ! Dangerous Dave had finished washing he's dresses and hoovering the chalet meant he could go for a blast with Spesh & Goat taking in the delights of Les Gets.
All that out of the way it was time to lock n load and head towards some serious down hill trials. Up over the top to kick off on the Chavannes down hill but only a partial taster. Mouth watering stuff and bit whoaahh whaaaay as Spesh and Goat didn't know what was coming up, so it was back up again for second bite of the cherry - More speed was required and the second run was better passing some fully shod down hill dudes, Dangerous Dave looking as smooth as ever. Ok now for some real down hill's Dangerous exclaimed !!! ??? This down hill featured on one of the earthed dvd's as it was a pro world cup course! Mont Chery OMG ! ! ! Goat having brake issues was going to struggle for most of te day but boy what ride! Like being fired out of a cannon constantly with no let up on the fore arms and concentration. Made to the bottom only just as the breaks were begging for a vacation as were the burning fore arms - Oh the big silly gins! ! Dangerous Dave showing pure class in the Les Gets playground mmmmmmmmmm the shed drop was tantalizing and he made it with consummate ease as he did with the shed gap jump - Note to self must nail next year ! Time for some single track and fire road's with heading towards the final hoot of the day BANG ! sssssiiiiiiiiiisssss oh f*uck Dangerous had a blow out due to if'y bead on the he's tyre. Yes on film ! Ha with that shorted it was off again hitting some nice flowing sections with sweeping banks BANG ! ! sssssiiiiiiiiiissssssss squeak fart hiss rear wheel looking like a pile of inner tube intestines mangled all over the back wheel, How many tubes Dave i never have a puncher. With that sorted it was off again BANG ! ! ! siiiiissssssssssssss sissssssss pop gurgle squeak quack - wild animals ran for cover and many a bird lay prostrate on the forest floor. Dave your winding us up now pal Ok last tube in more arm exercises and away we went peeling out onto a nice alpine field decent BANG ! ! ! ! Ok now your taking the p*ss, I never get punchers Dave assured us this time so Goat had to issues one of he's special low profile inner tubes. Five Tubes Dangerous Dave as he shall now be known gave us directions back to base and that was it for the day, apart from hounding car's on the road decent back into Morzine. Big and Shorts helped dismantle the enduro's and a quick Sh*t shave and brush up meant it was time for a mooch around town, grab a coffee and soak what was left of our truly awe inspiring long weekend. Hugg's and goodbye's a plenty it was time for Carl " I am most definitely happy on the inside or to see the back of us " took or subdued self's back to the airport. Boy Dave was right this place was totty central we all started to get eye ache , apart from Shorts who still has sever arse ache! !

Still even after a several hour delay by not so on time jet, it was back in wet blighty mmmmmmm nice and as flat as a pancake, still Switchbacks to look forward to mmmmmmmmmm yummy roll on October we all said.

Avoir.............................................................

Mr Spesh