Diary
South Wales Odyssey
It was that time again! The distant book of the Wales Odyssey was on our door step and the Reservoir Goat squad were dropping like poor jockied horses at the grand nationals famous chair!! Mr Left had been teetering on the edge for some months now but apparently determined not to miss what was billed as awesome, the trial at Cwm Carn. Alas life's technical bike building debacle put pay to any chance of hitting the trials........................ And then there were 6 ! ! ! ( Real Reason = I'm washing and blow drying my hair and trying out some new hair products).
Mr Soup, whilst still hitting the Brickhill loop seemed to be getting back into the groove and we don't just mean the cycling one ! oi ! oi ! pressure from the ex and double booking to go see some soap dodging US punk band was putting the ever level headed Mr Soup in a tizz! ............................. And then there were 5 ! ! ! ( Real Reason = I need to iron my bird's dresses as she's heard I'm top man at it and also I look good in one so Ii'm hoping to borrow and wear one to greenbay action concert).
Not wanting to be out done on the calendar front Mr Shorts played the double booked get out of Wales free card with an Oscar winning performance of Tom Cruise proportions ......................... And then there were 4 ! ! ! ( Real Reason = i need to go fishing to catch some shrimps for the barby, whilst i need to erect a fence to keep the drunken rellies in and also I need to dig my cheese cloth dress out of the loft as it's gonna be hot ).
Moving on swiftly, Mr Big having gone AWOL for some considerable time without his bike, some role play thing wearing school uniform in a Dennis the Menace styleeee . With no arse touching saddle in three weeks another one bites the dust................................... And then there were 3 ! ! ! (Real Reason = have been away so long i don't know who you all are and what a bike is, will it chip my lilac nail varnish ? I need to go for a facial and sabbatical and pop into New Look for a cheese cloth Ti Die dress ).
That only left the hard core tag team duo of Mr Spesh & Mr Goat and New blood Virgin Boy James...On a roasting Friday the Odyssey was under way. Bikes loaded, not looking good 3 up, but it was gonna have to do the job. No major traffic problems, in fact it was a bit of breeze getting to A34 . The heat getting to Virgin Boy who was looking rather Chav-Tastic "ooh dear surely not a relly of mine!!" Hey must be all the rage for a 15 year old! As was his raging horn! Anything remotely girl like was greeted with " phwoooooooar she's wants it hard, i'll give it to her big ! res peck ! mun". Ooh dear now me and Mr Goat started to think are we old git's or what?! Or was this chav styleee bling culture something we missed in our youth?? " Respect" think they should all read what it meant before using it to such an extent. A34 turns into M4 and before you know 80mph points us towards the Severn bridge toll and Welsh hill's in the distance. Once driven never forgotten as the silver dream bat mobile screamed up the Risca road into Crosskeys.
20.00 just in the nick of time too as the bar was closing for food, but some sweet talking got the menus out once more. Mr Virgin Boy like a dog on heat was starting to worry Mr Goat as he was room sharing ! ! He was worried he may awake with his leg being humped in the morning ! ! ! Every effort was made to calm him down even a man's pint ! But that and an alcholpop sent him off into bonus chav-shagg-ya-mode-bling-bling-you-want-it-hard-bitch-respect ! Roll on the morning and a steep climb that would cool his dick down and wind back in his neck. The rooms were just standard B&B rooms, tacky but functional beds scoring a good 9/10.
CWN CARN - easy distance to peddle first thing after breakfast, got the legs functioning nicely, know the route from previous skirmish it was an eagerly awaited car park full of bikers making ready. The British youth squad were in attendance for some training as was a nice s-works xc bike , some £5K's worth sitting in the back of kitted out van mmmmmmmmmm droooooooool ! Onwards and upwards as the climbing started. Good thing is the climb is not brutal and its only climb once and blast down the other side, balls out, break neck speeds, on horn, giving single track that will take some beating. Mr Virgin Boy not looking so clever now eh ! ! Rocks slate , roots , steep banks all adding to the technical side of this first Wales experience. Blood trickling down those already brickhill battered leg's mountain bike riding had now taken on a new dimension for our young apprentice. Hooked up with a couple of Mr Shorts compatriots - one attempting the ride in bloody flip-flops ! ! yes flip-flips ! ! i can hear you all cringe already ! they must all be bonkers as is our Mr Shorts ! unless it's SA trait ! still they seemed to be enjoying the ride. Feeling awesome Mr Spesh was climbing like a man possessed, with Mr Goat in close attendance. The sun just burning off the last of the cloud as the summit was reached , sugar top up , drink top up and camera out for some shot's of Welsh scenery + a shagged out looking Virgin boy as he made it up to the top. It was all down hill from here that put a smile on he's face as did the sheer panoramic views. Following section is a mass blast of s-bends bermed corners all downhill 10/10 smile factor is fly downwards over open raised to the ground waste land and into tree lined single track ! whoop de whoop section before a short climb section and back into the woods before clattering downwards towards a 90o dog leg fence . A good rest point before the next thrilling mountain edge section with spectacular views over the valley. More tree lined single track the hammer was down as Mr goat got pinch flat . Mr Chav horn bling soon caught up as did the SA possee including Mr Flip-flops and others ! it wasn't good as Mr Spesh wanted to eat them all up on the trial ! how dare they pass us ! no sooner had Goaty's puncture was fixed it was off to chase em all down ! A searing pace was set by Mr Spesh as all that passed were eaten up one by one , Mr Goat having retrieved glasses set off in hot pursuit. All past it was down to business along the mountain edge trial , makes you want to lean in towards the hill side but you need to keep it up right at all times as speed picks up at very inch of the way ! ear to ear smiles all the way down the down hill last section back into base camp ! AV IT ! ! ! Mr Chav-horn-bling coming into sight high up the ridge after all we had passed made it down . The clatter of chain slap on the V-800 canny a tell tale sign. Beaming face spoke a thousand words as he came into view first one in the bag . A quick cuppa and it was off back to base B&B for ride two of the day. The spesh sounding in bad shape as we sped down the road , not a good grinding sound emanated out of the rear of Mr speshes stumpy.
Silver bat mobile loaded it was off up the M4 for the Whytes trial - sort of takes in the skyline's first climb but peels off once the first fire road is hit . Park ferme' bikes off and ready to rock. The ex MK boy who runs the skyline shop took the stumpy in and got the back wheel out and hey presto the rear wheel freewheel hub was grinding like a pepper mill. Give me 30 mins he said and a deal was done. Nice timing to, as lunch was on the agender. The drop off cafe babe's setting off Chav-horn-blings raging hormones ! god help us . . . . . .A request was put in for him to go have a w*nk ! ! or two to see if that would help.
Cake n tea on board , more tea , ok then more cake ok then ! it was time to ride the whytes trial ! Stumpy was fixed to the tune of £40 ! not bad considering the extent of what could have happened. Rear axle worn through almost to the skewer ! ! , free wheel hub fell to bit's hhhmmmmmm hard core ! He advised another rock drop off and it would have been lights out for the rear wheel. Oh there is a god and he lives in them there hill's . Boy what a difference it ran so smooth . It was a blistering hot day and at times on the first climb it felt like you had a waterfall in your helmet. Mr virgin Chav-horn-bling made it to the first view point where it hit's home how high you have climbed. Half way stage it was onwards & upwards the rewards were as we would soon find out , better than Cwn Carns descending ooh please surely not ????? Out onto the fire track were bit's of old bike lay placed in the fir tree's from now on it was all new to all of us , virgin boy leading us into the next section a fantastic open bendy single track up and down like a roller coaster Goaty was putting the young fledgling under duress as i was grinding the Goats rear tyre whilst singing a happy tune , as you can gather we were not at full chatt. Scaring Virgin boy sh*tless he stepped aside the pursuit was on Go Go Goaty " B O N Z Z Z Z I I I I I I I A " Up's downs , rock steps of amazing bike fcuk'ing ness , twists , turns, banks , whoops , jumps it has the lot and this then leads you directly in a down hill fire road clocking 29.8mph before a sharp left into more single track , more of the same only more open to the elements as you scream around the hill top looking at the valley below which in turn leads you into that last decent of the Skyline that needs no introduction , being so fresh it's all over in fore arm burning eye watering , body vibrating blur as you peel onto tarmac for nice smooth blast back to the Drop off cafe. AWESOME just about coins the trial all those in favour for hitting it in the morning say ' i ' Virgin boy had no choice he was doing it whether he liked it or not . Showering on site was another lesson learnt from the last visit , that meant quick change once home and off out for food. Risca was just one long street all pubs filled to overflowing , totty city set Mr Virgin chav-horn-bling off ooh my with no food in sight we had to move on before he came in he's pants and messed the car up ! ! Pukka pub found in the nick of time a few beers sank before back to base for more beers and big fat doobie to see the night off. The pub singer was in full swing so no early night was on the cards , although the old grannies were looking hot in Mr Virgins eye's ! and went on all evening she wants it , can i have WKD , when you rolling one up , she wants it , can i have WKD , when you rolling one up - like an annoying kid at the seaside wanting a ice cream , were we like this at 15 ???? A pint of man stuff soon calmed him down a level a few tokes also did the trick and it was time for the land of Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Early start in the morning shocked Mr Virgin who could only speak in very early cave man dialect so a peaceful morning was had leading back up the M4 to the Whytes trial. All ready for off Mr spesh shot off at a cracking pace followed by Mr Goat eating any stragglers that we came across, it was scorching once more but the pace was relentless as we made it to the fire road in double quick time. Those that were passed confirmed Mr Virgin was slogging he's way up the trial. Finally he arrived at the top looking rather p*ssed off moaning he was hurting all over he he he he so he got no sympathy from us only more abuse as it was FUN TIME yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa first section led out by Mr Spesh , second by Mr goat who had let some air out the front forks only to pay for this tactical move later as he nearly had an off on some big rock drop off's which opened the way for Mr spesh to blast past and lead the troop back to base camp - aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh the smile was back on Virgin boy's face so that was good and he'd achieved 3 rides so not a bad effort on all accounts. Bikes washed , showered it was time for lunch then the long ride home once again it had all flown past and another trial was in the minds of Mr Goat & spesh but that will have to be another time , ooh dear that means we are coming back ?????? We heard some rumours about the Wall at Afan ooop's another one that need nailing ! ! Plus you slackers are gonna have to ride these one's it's a must ride before i die set of trials. . . . . .it is possible to knock three trials out in a day as we only clocked them at 10 mile each .
Roll on switchbacks ............................................until next time
Mr Spesh